Category: fiction project

as you can imagine, now that i’m writing towards the ‘end’ of the book, i have a feeling that the order of things is important. who does what when. it’s like braiding bread (not hair, bread). there are some loose ends i want to weave in, and i won’t get it all right the first time, and will have to take it out and reweave the flabby dough strands. and then sometimes they stick together and the reweaving is awkward. and sometimes two of the bread dough strands look nice together but have nothing to do with the rest of it. if i’d written a 3 strand book, that’d be fine. but this is more like a 8 strand braided bread, which is harder, and requires a youtube video and a few false starts.

long way of saying that i’m going to (i think) write more slowly for a few days, to make sure i have this going correctly. in an ideal world, i would have this written in its entirety, fixed, and polished before i show it to you.

this is not an ideal world.

oh, and i have this idea, but it might be crazy. in some ways, i want this story to go on, and so i’m thinking that i could continue with these characters, ongoing, in something like the format of a television soap opera… you know, some people come and go, but the story goes on, and you follow them through daily stuff and bigger adventure stuff, and smaller stuff, and then christmas. whatever. i’d still collect it into a ‘book’ and i’d still give each ‘book’ a beginning/middle/end, but maybe it’s like harry potter (not that i’ve read them) where the story spans 5 books. or it’s like star wars, where some books are before the story and some are after (not that i’ve seen those movies, either).

have you ever seen an episode of the 1980s tv soap opera Santa Barbara? That’s what i’m thinking of. it’s the only soap that i followed as a teenager. we used to record it on a VCR to watch after school. my high school boyfriend got me hooked on it. that and cups of strong tea with milk and sugar.

so maybe this ‘book’ is like a new form of writing. it’s a blend of fiction, sober blog, novel, and daily soap opera. it’s serial fiction, but ongoing. i don’t even know if there’s a name for this. it’d be like the old-fashioned radio soap operas – where you had to tune in to listen, no vcrs for radio – and follow the characters’ stories day by day.

like, “the adventures of nancy drew” but sober stories, in a series of books.

ok, well that’s a long way of saying “i haven’t written anything yet today because i have stage fright that the next thing i write will take the story somewhere OTHER than the ending i have planned.”

i’ll go for my run and come back and write 50 words.

i’m back to being awake through the night, thinking about this story, and how the strands should be woven. in what order. which one is the bigger punch. how to get from Y to Z.

hugs xo

this week was a new thing for me, a new work thing, requiring being awake at 5:40 a.m. and commuting 45 minutes each way. i haven’t worked outside the house in 18 years. i am unfamiliar with commuting. i don’t say this to make you feel sorry for me, but to highlight the ‘transition’ process that you and i both know so well.

starts off eager enough. didn’t sleep very well the night before, wondering what will happen. day 2 i’m tired but it’s ok. day 3 there’s a misunderstanding with a superior and a few of us are left unsure what to do. he said this but the other guy said that. combined with exhaustion. and i literally thought “that’s it, i can’t do this. i know it’s only day 3, but this was a dumb idea. i’ll just go home.”

and i knew the following:

i can’t decide if i like it or not until it’s well underway. i can’t decide on day 3, when i’m tired. i know the first week of anything is hard. imagining getting up daily at 5:40 and then actually doing it, are two different things. with different emotions attached. and for me, being tired makes me hate my life (warning).

one thing i shared with my husband as a funny-ha-ha moment, was that on the lowest moment on day 3, i thought “i’d rather be home writing my book than here doing this.”

and that’s funny because the whole time i was getting up to write, in the dark, for 100 days, i wanted it to be over.

of course, we know what happened. i finally got to the ‘over’ part and then kept going because it was fine.

and i know the same thing will happen with the work thing. by the end of the 3 month contract, i’ll be super sad it’s over, will miss all the people, won’t have any option to ‘keep on going’ and will remember this time fondly…

do one hard day. then do another. get some sleep (i’ve just had two 12-hr sleeps). make a decision to assess it later. you can’t decide now if it’s worthwhile, while it’s still hard.

individual moments are hard. the collected time is lovely. when you look back on it, you see all the achievements, the friends, the connections, the memories, the honest stuff. you don’t look back on months of drinking and feel proud. not once. not ever.

from me: because of an early dentist appt today, i’m off schedule. didn’t sleep well, it’s black skies and pouring rain at 8:45 a.m. and my husband woke me 3 times through the night with snoring and thrashing.

so.

i’;m off to the dentist, and then i will do something new. i will have lunch at Pret a Manger, and then i will write AT THE LIBRARY in the afternoon, which i never do. i never do the fiction off-site, and i’m always done by noon my time.

not today.

today will be late.

as an experiment.

i can tell i’ll hate this experiment, but the writing itself will be fine once i finally squeeze it out. the toothpaste tube of writing is getting harder to squeeze. i’m looking forward to day 100. you know this feeling, right? elated one minute, squeezed the next. when i get to day 100 i’ll want to keep going, but today i’m looking forward to the end.

it’s all fine ? i’m posting this now so that you know that the writing for today WILL come, it’ll just be later. for now i need a shower, coffee, and then a one hour commute in the rain to the dentist. it’s only a cleaning.

it’s all fine.

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Starting on Thursday October 5th