113 prewrite

a word about days now that i’m 13 days past day 100.

here’s what happened. i focussed so hard on getting to day 100, couldn’t wait to get there, felt like pushing a truck uphill.

then the day comes, and i get my treats.

on day 101, what do i do? i could stop like i’d planned, or i could keep going. i kept going, i had enough planned for 2 more days.

then i did the classic (and i mean classic) boozer thing of looking too far ahead to find a reason why i shouldn’t continue NOW.

example: i won’t be able to write when i’m xx or xx, so i might as well quit now. (how will i not drink whenever i go to france next, i might as well drink now.)

in my case, i have a work thing that starts on monday that will change my schedule around (day becomes night, and so on), that i knew was coming up. so back when i planned to do 100 days of continuous writing, i made sure it was finished before the thing that starts on monday.

except now the book is longer, and i’m not ‘done’ yet. (just like sobriety has momentum and it’s not time to be done yet.)

so on day 100 i had a decision to make. keep going UNTIL the new work thing, and see what it’s like THEN. or make a decision, in advance, that i won’t be able to do something in the future.

when really. oh my god. the only time we can do something is now. and i have no idea how next week will go. and maybe i’ll write on monday but only 50 words instead of 500.

but to decide on day 100, however many days in advance, that i won’t be able to do something in the future? sounds familiar, right? how will i be sober at my son’s wedding (better drink now). how will i be sober for our cruise in july (better drink now).

here’s the thing.

we don’t know how we’ll feel when we get there and the decision is in front of us.

but i think, what i’m learning, is that we make completely different decisions than we think, ESPECIALLY if we have momentum. even 4 days is momentum.

I got to my day 100, and i thought “just one more day” – which i did. and now it’s day 113?

13 extra days of writing that i was sure i couldn’t do. and as i go on, three things have happened:

  1. i’ve extended my momentum, writing the sober book (like extending your sobriety, writing and living your new your sober life)
  2. i’ve stopped counting the days until it’s over, now i just get up and do the thing (less focussed on day-counting after day 100)
  3. i have started, just yesterday on day 112, to think that maybe next week i’ll still write and it’ll be fine.

this is not just about ‘being in the moment’, it’s about (my) definition of anxiety:

anxiety is looking ahead, seeing something coming up, ASSUMING that we won’t be able to deal with it when it happens, and panicking now.

when really. we can deal with all kinds of things. and we learn resilience every day. and we don’t know WHO WE’LL BE when we get there, in the future.

With our new learnings, and new momentum, and new resilience.

 

One thought on “113 prewrite”

  1. I have this sort of anxiety all the time and so far has prevented me from really committing to quitting. My brain always seems to justify to keep drinking ….and for awhile its ok but there will come a day again where I will regret drinking and want to quit forever and wonder how the hell im ever going to do it ……ugh

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