111 prewrite

ha. i’ve just made a writing mistake that parallels early sobriety.

i just reread the previous 20 installments in one go, from the beginning of the snowstorm, through the food prep, the stuff with mel/laz, the champagne, getting the money from don, walking out into the snow, the homeless guy, the snowplough.

i thought it’d give me momentum to write the next section, or that i’d see some convenient hole to fill in today.

instead it did this.

in looking back i see all the small flaws, the repetition of the word ‘pompom’, i see the overuse of a certain kind of sentence and not enough of what she physically FEELS (i say a lot about what she sees when out walking in the snow, but not what she feels).

in looking back i feel tired. i’ve already done so much. AND there’s lots back there to fix.

now that i’ve done all this re-reading, it feels like i’ve done my writing for today. and i haven’t. overwhelm. i hate learning lessons like this the hard way.

what i usually do when i sit down is i read only the entry from the day before. what i’ve been doing up to now is to forge onwards, without too much backwards reflection (YET) so that i don’t lose the point in moving forward.

because too much excavation, too early, makes things seem overwhelming.

duh. how often do i say that to you, on day 18, when you say “it’ll never get done” and i say “just do today.” or when you say “i’m on day 60 and i need to figure out why i overdrank in the first place,” and i say “there’s lots of time for excavation, you’re going to be sober for a long time, you don’t have to do that now. keep going forward.”

keep going forward. the time for reflection is post day 200 in sober terms. maybe that’s the same in writing terms! (i just did the math, and i’d be on day 200 writing on april 2nd, not that i think there are 90 more installments to write – god i hope not! well, i hope it’s over AND i hope the story never ends, at the same time).

note to self (to you): keep doing what you’re doing, if you’re sober, then it’s working. there’s lots of time for rewriting. if you’re doing the first early parts, then just focus on that for now. forward. travelling. do today’s part. do today. onwards.