ha. iāve just made a writing mistake that parallels early sobriety.
i just reread the previous 20 installments in one go, from the beginning of the snowstorm, through the food prep, the stuff with mel/laz, the champagne, getting the money from don, walking out into the snow, the homeless guy, the snowplough.
i thought itād give me momentum to write the next section, or that iād see some convenient hole to fill in today.
instead it did this.
in looking back i see all the small flaws, the repetition of the word āpompomā, i see the overuse of a certain kind of sentence and not enough of what she physically FEELS (i say a lot about what she sees when out walking in the snow, but not what she feels).
in looking back i feel tired. iāve already done so much. AND thereās lots back there to fix.
now that iāve done all this re-reading, it feels like iāve done my writing for today. and i havenāt. overwhelm. i hate learning lessons like this the hard way.
what i usually do when i sit down is i read only the entry from the day before. what iāve been doing up to now is to forge onwards, without too much backwards reflection (YET) so that i donāt lose the point in moving forward.
because too much excavation, too early, makes things seem overwhelming.
duh. how often do i say that to you, on day 18, when you say āitāll never get doneā and i say ājust do today.ā or when you say āiām on day 60 and i need to figure out why i overdrank in the first place,ā and i say āthereās lots of time for excavation, youāre going to be sober for a long time, you donāt have to do that now. keep going forward.ā
keep going forward. the time for reflection is post day 200 in sober terms. maybe thatās the same in writing terms! (i just did the math, and iād be on day 200 writing on april 2nd, not that i think there are 90 more installments to write ā god i hope not! well, i hope itās over AND i hope the story never ends, at the same time).
note to self (to you): keep doing what youāre doing, if youāre sober, then itās working. thereās lots of time for rewriting. if youāre doing the first early parts, then just focus on that for now. forward. travelling. do todayās part. do today. onwards.
Thanks for this reminder I still havenāt got the sober traction yet my brain is still thinking of extra stuff to do ( at the moment itās intermittent fasting cos I want to lose weight ) because I didnāt drink last night so I can take more stuff on right? The fact that since my day 6 and yay email at Day 9 I drank and this is my second day two since then. I know I need to get sober momentum but itās hard when the bit of my brain that tells me I need to ābeā better is still there. I think I need to name a couple of other unhelpful voices though I may end up talking to a zoo! Thanks for saying I can worry about shit on Day 200 I will remember that. Big hugs x
“….forge onwards, without too much backwards reflection (YET) so that i donāt lose the point in moving forward.”
I like that…should be a motivational poster hanging on my wall….instead, a note on my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder.
Thanks š