95 prewrite

i limp to the finish line. i had ideas when i started this, of writing 2-3 days at a time, and then posting. didn’t happen. i had ideas of writing in advance for the london trip or for thanksgiving catering. didn’t happen. i have 3 times in 94 days been able to do the outline the night before, even though it works better that way.

i can see, literally, what works better, and i can’t make myself do it. i resist all things that would make my life easier. like setting a timer 4 times a day to do a couple of minutes at a time (like you emailing 4 times a day, just set a timer and do it).

i haven’t gotten the flowers i promised myself for day 70 (or 80 or 90). in fact, i got flowers 2.5 times. the urge to ‘just push through’ is my predominant mentality.

if you were emailing me on day 95 and saying “wolfie is getting jiggy about what i’m going to do on day 100” i’d say: plan your treat now, renew your pledge for 180 days, and have a big sleep.

now, granted, writing at year 5 sober isn’t the thing as being in early sobriety. it isn’t. there are parallels but it is not the same.

but momentum is a thing. and it builds. and then the desire to not break the momentum can carry through some of the awkward times. and stopping and starting is harder than keeping going. (because in stopping and starting, you have to repeatedly do the hard part of starting …)

it’s starting that’s harder than keeping going.

i know that if i stop, it’ll be brutal to start again.

and right behind that i know that if i have a vacation, it’ll be easier to approach it again with fresh eyes.

and right behind that i think that people who call themselves sober don’t drink. and people who call themselves writers, write.

i’m trying to talk myself into keeping going. it’s not really working.

i’d be happier if i was finishing the draft in the 100 days as i originally intended. this unfinished thing does mess with one’s sense of completion.

oh yeah. there is no complete. this book becomes another one. this one needs editing while the second one starts. writers write. they have projects in various states of completion all the time.

how are we, boozers, with the idea of ambiguity, with things ‘not finished off in a tidy bow’ – we suck at it.

le suck.

i had a great weekend, clean house, made dinner one of two nights, showered both days. wrote in the evenings both nights (2 of the 3 nights that this has happened). i also spent 3hrs each day playing a video game with my husband (we’ve found one we can play against each other). then i watched a ridiculous movie on netflix which was compelling and terrible at the same time.

the thing i want, the sense of completion, i’d better learn to find it in daily increments. i’d better get used to the process and not always be hurtling myself along to the finish line ? i’d better get better at treats. i should own more than one pair of jeans.

and then

then i realize, just now, writing this

that i can change the next 5 days. i can get a writing treat each day. i can go out for sober lunch each day. i can get flowers and then a new spatula and new jeans this week. i can build up to day 100 and then see how it feels. build up, not wind down.

maybe that’s it.

maybe that’s it.