email from ashley:
“Belle, what if I don’t think [that drink] was wolfie? I guess I feel confused. I haven’t had any drinks since that night because I really haven’t wanted one accept last night. But I forgot and didn’t have one. I guess I feel like I believe in moderation. Since I’ve been going without the social lubricant for so long, I no longer feel like I even need alcohol. Does this make sense? I know I have issues with moderation, alcohol got me into a nasty place about 6 months ago. And I was abusing it, using it in the wrong ways. Now I don’t need it like that. I’ve found other ways to relieve stress, a hot bath, hot tea, a walk. Stuff like that. I’m probably just rambling now i don’t know. Not really sure what to make sense of it. But wondering this as well. Why does a lot of situations have to be so black and white. I feel like this is grey.”
me: I think that the voice in our head does like to suggest that moderation is a good idea. ‘it‘ll be different this time’ it says. ‘you quit for a while so you’re fine now.’
the thing is, we all hear the same voice in our head. we hear the same ideas. and maybe NOW you don‘t need alcohol like that – for now. for right now. if you arrived in a crappy place before, you may well end up in a crappy place again, and then find it very hard to get sober momentum again. sober momentum is a hard thing to get.
there is grey. there are lots of people standing with one foot in both drinking and sobriety. or they switch between the sober and the drinking camp. the only ones I know who are happy about their decision, and wake up happy for the decisions they’re making on a daily basis, are those who are now sober. I‘ve been penpals with 2,494 people as of today (who’s gonna be 2500?). I wish I could tell you otherwise, that the over-drinkers wake up every day pleased with the decision to drink the night before, but I can’t. and I know it sucks rocks. and I know that your brain throws a tantrum right around now. you hate me right this second. well, not you, wolfie. you’re here asking for sober support. wolfie is something else entirely.
I know that lots of people do many sessions of ‘alcohol research’. you’ve done some before. hopefully you won’t do more now. but you might. we want to think that outcome of drinking will be different ‘this time’ – but it‘s a bit like a shitty boyfriend who makes that ever-tearful promise to CHANGE. “I won’t hit you this time,” he says.
but he does. he will. maybe not the first day. but it’s there.
and yes, it totally makes sense that the voice in your head sounds sweeter than this. any voice that’s saying “you should drink” is wolfie. nobody needs to drink. for any reason, ever. and normal drinkers don‘t have a voice convincing them that a few drinks here and there will be ok. so yes, it is wolfie. i’m sorry. wolfie hates it when i say that, too. you’re like “it’s not wolfie dammit” and i’m like: that’s what wolfie looks like …
sweet pea, your original place is here, with a sober penpal. you’re member 2133. that’s your sober suite. there’s a nice view and you wake up every day relieved that you didn’t drink yesterday. and it never gets old.
anytime you want to shout, I‘m here.
hugs from me